thoughts from days ago

It's been happening for days now.

I go to bed when my son goes to bed because I need to get some good rest. 

At some point, maybe 2 hours later, I start having these recurring dreams about his hospitalization, how it' going to happen, how he is being taken away from me.

There a special dream where he is in the water, in the ocean being in a therapy session wiht this lady. She has blond hair, very experienced and knows what she is doing with the group of children, all of them wearing safety vests.

She is doing a good job, she has been for many years, my son feels happy to be in the water, the water is transparent, he can see everything. His colorful little suit, his floaters. He is happy to see the fish.. he saw a shark! He was happy about it, the shark was just passing by.

Suddenly, the water becomes  agitaded, so many waves, the group of children get a little restless, but they are used to it because that therapist, the blonde lady, she taught them how to cope with such sudden change in the water while they are in there.

My son is afraid. When he is afraid, his eyes look a little smaller. His mutism sounds like a dark abyss ...you can almost touch his fear. His silent fear.He gets lost in it.

He tries so hard to get out of there, she holds on to him, he pulls her wet hair, he grabs on to her vest, he is rasisng sheer hell in that water that was so placid just moments ago.

I do tell her from distance, "he is afraid, get him out of there". But, she doesn't care to do what I say, she screams while wrestling him, "I am used to this, I know what I am doing"

No, she does not.

She

does

not.

Her methods don't work on him, he is  different. She has never ever met another child with such sensitive response. He was the one born that way, she didn't cross paths with anyone else like him. That is just suddenly clearer than the water itself.

I jump in the water. I swim as fast as I can and see my son in agony. I get to them, she keeps telling me "I know what I'm doing" 

I grab him from her, I swim him back to safety. 

His gaze is lost, his eyes are getting back to normal very slowly.

He is safe

with me.

No one else knows. People want to enforce methods on him, on many children .. it does not work this way.

Please God, help me get to the people who will see him for who he is. He is the method.

Please.. just ´please.

God speed!