In my hands

So, there is point where life goes back to where it is supposed to be.
That place is "your hands"

So much has changed and keeps changing
I have learnt that when all this crazy shitstorm strikes, you need to stop.

Today I stopped.
I was watching my son, I was seeing that his needs were met, but my mind wondered elsewhere all day.

For the first time in a long time, I was able to view, watch his autism from a distance. I felt like I was projected as a third person when in fact it is just the two of us.

I was able to witness my own pain and frustration from a different perspective. I spend all day an outsider, inside.

What I saw was his innocence, his body growing so fast and his brain being left behind. I saw his absence seizure clearly as daylight, it was a long one. What could I do? Another one followed the first long one.. in the end, he shook his head..as if he was trying to come back from some sort of dizzy reality. The mother could just be there, standing or sitting, waiting for something bigger to happen, something or nothing at all. I saw her wish, she wished she could see inside his brain, she wished she could fix whatever was wrong and get him back to a normal state. He was completely gone for what seemed to be 20 minutes, but must have been in fact, just 3 or 4 minutes. Who spends their days like this, tension hour after hour.

It was the heaviest feeling of frustration for the day. That moment when his brain jumps fast into some sort of electrical Bermuda Triangle.

We really are alone, it really is just the two of us, I don't know why people try so hard to make us think otherwise. This is like when you try to convince someone of how they can bring back the dead. Who does that? This is what it is.
I can only imagine what other people go thru alone, and how they cope. This has been a repetitive trip to the desert for years now.

Yes, there are people out there and they will listen, they will help when I ask, they will do whatever they can. The main carer should understand, and accept that they will do so, occasionally. I am in for the long run. The carer is who makes the main decisions, what time, how and when I am going to take a break, stop focusing on the pain. 

One needs to stop.
Think, wait.. this is ridiculously painful, this was not supposed to be what it is, but here I am. I am here, and will be here until there is life to be lived. 
People may intervene, they come and go. It's a cycle. I always end a sentence in my mind with: I will find a way.

If I die before I find that way, that I cannot control. But, I need to keep on trying.
I have to.
FACT.

If someone actually charged a dime for each time somebody tells you that God will help, a lot less people would be saying that. I just wonder how they relief the weight over their own shoulders.

What bothers me is not the lack of help.
Bothers me to have been a prompt helper. Makes me feel like I was placed in the job of natural born idiot.
I have not accepted that yet, and I have not accepted his absence seizures as something normal. I have not healed the open wound of so many unjustified absences, and I resent that we were referred to as the "package" left behind by his late grandmother. 
I wish I can just shake those feelings off.. I wish I can do that despite the painful reality. He is not going to get better. 

The hardest task of all is to swim thru an entire ocean of people saying that he might be better, swim thru a really crowded ocean of people who are physically absent! Each one with something to say, but YOU/I am the one doing everything, and I know he is not going to be better, and I just wanna breathe. I don't want to spend my time swimming thru these waters..I wanna spend my time with my son, be there in his present. Be in peace.

The "right" pill has shut off some important things that were greatly affecting me, now I know that even after the pill intake.. even when all of it is gone, when I decide they wont be taken.. he is not going to get better. So.. I just want to live. I want him to live. Yes, of course there is hurt..being human is beyond control of this situation. But, one needs to know.. when it's your situation, YOU will find a way.

Need to.