The Phase

This is the phase when I get tired of people telling me what I should do.
I should hire more help.
I should gt more rest.
I should, I must...

Not a single person asks me if I can.

This makes me wonder where all the pressure really come from. Everywhere. From within.
Some things are not at my hand reach, and that makes me feel under pressure and frustrated.
So I skip to my little world of fantasy to make it stop.

I can afford some things at this moment, others I just can't.
This is the phase that I learn what it means to be a capable adult, but my hands and feet are tied with my boy's situation. I have to be on the top of my game for him 24/7... when these people come to me, with all their solutions, and firm grasp on a word to tell me what I SHOULD do.. I just go on mute.. my mind goes somewhere else.. that's gotta be a way to cope.

It's been surreal.. but, I can do it.

I have been talking to people here and there, observing responses, behaviors, remembering the past.
One thing is for sure.. there is no denial ever.. the past is the past and there is no coming back I don't like to be reminded of what a great chance I had with my ex broyfriend who turned out to be quite ann abusive fella.. so what then, SHOULD I join the club of misery out there? No.. I refuse to do so.. it offends me that people urge me to find a man willing to take my "package" oh fuck that! I make a great package myself alone, I really don't need  that shit...

I'm a loving, yes flawed and respectful person, if love, passion cross my path again, great! If not, I will just move on as I have.. I have so much to do.. and so little time.. With time I learnt how to appreciate this peace. This not having to see for another grown up satisfaction 24/7..that job is taken by the lifestyle that I have.. my plate really is full.. I don't need more work to develop with another full grown person.. this is not how it's meant to be.

But, I am the kind of girl who always snif the tree that was just peed on by a young dog.. that never ends well..

There is strong feeling I get from people, they need to make THEIR wishes come thru with me, they se me as some sort of twisted blank canvas.. ways to apply what they missed because they think differently, or they cannot change their own lives. They wanna live again.. I can see so many of them dead.. walking.. I donot care for that. They SHOULD leave me be. I will not meet their expectations. I am swimming thru mud with my own hands and feet.. and that is the way it's gonna be.

I need a break.. from myself. Peace.