The Phase

This is the phase when I get tired of people telling me what I should do.
I should hire more help.
I should gt more rest.
I should, I must...

Not a single person asks me if I can.

This makes me wonder where all the pressure really come from. Everywhere. From within.
Some things are not at my hand reach, and that makes me feel under pressure and frustrated.
So I skip to my little world of fantasy to make it stop.

I can afford some things at this moment, others I just can't.
This is the phase that I learn what it means to be a capable adult, but my hands and feet are tied with my boy's situation. I have to be on the top of my game for him 24/7... when these people come to me, with all their solutions, and firm grasp on a word to tell me what I SHOULD do.. I just go on mute.. my mind goes somewhere else.. that's gotta be a way to cope.

It's been surreal.. but, I can do it.

I have been talking to people here and there, observing responses, behaviors, remembering the past.
One thing is for sure.. there is no denial ever.. the past is the past and there is no coming back I don't like to be reminded of what a great chance I had with my ex broyfriend who turned out to be quite ann abusive fella.. so what then, SHOULD I join the club of misery out there? No.. I refuse to do so.. it offends me that people urge me to find a man willing to take my "package" oh fuck that! I make a great package myself alone, I really don't need  that shit...

I'm a loving, yes flawed and respectful person, if love, passion cross my path again, great! If not, I will just move on as I have.. I have so much to do.. and so little time.. With time I learnt how to appreciate this peace. This not having to see for another grown up satisfaction 24/7..that job is taken by the lifestyle that I have.. my plate really is full.. I don't need more work to develop with another full grown person.. this is not how it's meant to be.

But, I am the kind of girl who always snif the tree that was just peed on by a young dog.. that never ends well..

There is strong feeling I get from people, they need to make THEIR wishes come thru with me, they se me as some sort of twisted blank canvas.. ways to apply what they missed because they think differently, or they cannot change their own lives. They wanna live again.. I can see so many of them dead.. walking.. I donot care for that. They SHOULD leave me be. I will not meet their expectations. I am swimming thru mud with my own hands and feet.. and that is the way it's gonna be.

I need a break.. from myself. Peace.

In my hands

So, there is point where life goes back to where it is supposed to be.
That place is "your hands"

So much has changed and keeps changing
I have learnt that when all this crazy shitstorm strikes, you need to stop.

Today I stopped.
I was watching my son, I was seeing that his needs were met, but my mind wondered elsewhere all day.

For the first time in a long time, I was able to view, watch his autism from a distance. I felt like I was projected as a third person when in fact it is just the two of us.

I was able to witness my own pain and frustration from a different perspective. I spend all day an outsider, inside.

What I saw was his innocence, his body growing so fast and his brain being left behind. I saw his absence seizure clearly as daylight, it was a long one. What could I do? Another one followed the first long one.. in the end, he shook his head..as if he was trying to come back from some sort of dizzy reality. The mother could just be there, standing or sitting, waiting for something bigger to happen, something or nothing at all. I saw her wish, she wished she could see inside his brain, she wished she could fix whatever was wrong and get him back to a normal state. He was completely gone for what seemed to be 20 minutes, but must have been in fact, just 3 or 4 minutes. Who spends their days like this, tension hour after hour.

It was the heaviest feeling of frustration for the day. That moment when his brain jumps fast into some sort of electrical Bermuda Triangle.

We really are alone, it really is just the two of us, I don't know why people try so hard to make us think otherwise. This is like when you try to convince someone of how they can bring back the dead. Who does that? This is what it is.
I can only imagine what other people go thru alone, and how they cope. This has been a repetitive trip to the desert for years now.

Yes, there are people out there and they will listen, they will help when I ask, they will do whatever they can. The main carer should understand, and accept that they will do so, occasionally. I am in for the long run. The carer is who makes the main decisions, what time, how and when I am going to take a break, stop focusing on the pain. 

One needs to stop.
Think, wait.. this is ridiculously painful, this was not supposed to be what it is, but here I am. I am here, and will be here until there is life to be lived. 
People may intervene, they come and go. It's a cycle. I always end a sentence in my mind with: I will find a way.

If I die before I find that way, that I cannot control. But, I need to keep on trying.
I have to.
FACT.

If someone actually charged a dime for each time somebody tells you that God will help, a lot less people would be saying that. I just wonder how they relief the weight over their own shoulders.

What bothers me is not the lack of help.
Bothers me to have been a prompt helper. Makes me feel like I was placed in the job of natural born idiot.
I have not accepted that yet, and I have not accepted his absence seizures as something normal. I have not healed the open wound of so many unjustified absences, and I resent that we were referred to as the "package" left behind by his late grandmother. 
I wish I can just shake those feelings off.. I wish I can do that despite the painful reality. He is not going to get better. 

The hardest task of all is to swim thru an entire ocean of people saying that he might be better, swim thru a really crowded ocean of people who are physically absent! Each one with something to say, but YOU/I am the one doing everything, and I know he is not going to be better, and I just wanna breathe. I don't want to spend my time swimming thru these waters..I wanna spend my time with my son, be there in his present. Be in peace.

The "right" pill has shut off some important things that were greatly affecting me, now I know that even after the pill intake.. even when all of it is gone, when I decide they wont be taken.. he is not going to get better. So.. I just want to live. I want him to live. Yes, of course there is hurt..being human is beyond control of this situation. But, one needs to know.. when it's your situation, YOU will find a way.

Need to.

Chemicals running thru ma vains

Such a wonderful dream!

It was a chemical dream,  it's a good thing I respect the pill intake and I have a greater responsibility with my son to keep me just within the line.

So many different elements
so many colors

I was not in India, but it was Indian themed, Bolywood. My romance lead partner was the new psychiatrist haha how convenient.. he looks very Bollywood in a good way.

There was this woman, she is one of my friends, she is beautiful and lives in a  fake world of social manners, but in the dream she had the role of professional slut hahaha, it was her job,  she wore a full body fishnet outfit with latex black grandma panties and yellow latex vintage half cup clivage bra. Very cool outfit, her hair was very long and fixed in a shiny pony tail. Very cool because even with such an intense job, she had the same sweet look, and she was chewing gum haha, she loved her job.. I later then found out that she just went to role-play.. there was no blunt sex degrading to the soul or saddening events going on.. it was fun for her.

She was the bait to lure the psychiatrist to where I wanted to meet him.
It was a tower house Indian/Arabic style, the base was brown and earthy tones, but the place was entirely decorated with colors and lights. It was gorgeous!

The air was nice, light evening breeze of spring brought a scent of fresh jasmine flower..and that was from my hair because I was wearing a jasmine little thread that suited my new hair color, black.

It was all quiet and I enjoyed all that scenery because the house windows showed me stories from my past lovers, showed me what they were doing, who they were with. Was nice to see the last one happy in his life.

The psychiatrist guy showed up in the roof, embarassed because I could see him with the latex yellow bra lady there haha I thought it was funny, but I was jealous, and wanted to draw his attention, so there was music..romantic bollywood sounding very clear.

He was very interested in getting to me, although got easily distracted by all the other women that tried to stop him while he sang his part of the song.
While he sang it, I remembered real things he said to me, and how flerty he acts when he meets me in real life. I thought that was funny, but became too real, so then in the dream I started to actually enjoy the fantasy because I relaxed, reliefed I didn't have to deal with his real flertation. Started to sing my part of the song while a transparent wired lifted me gracefully to the house roof top  hahahahah so cool and Bollywood  I was having fun, playing my role really well.

My dress was yellow.. not my fave colour, but was a bright yellow skirt sari with many sparkly beads and designed shiny fowers. My sari top was a mix of bright red with yellow and the sparkly beads everywhere. It felt so light to wear. I felt beautiful! I was not wearig make up, just red lipstick.

We met, I sang my sexy friend( yellow latex bra lady) out of the scene, the psychiatrist was finally happy to see that his emotional and romantic cheesy ordeal was over. 
Before the music was over, we were going to kiss.. but I then started to descend from the roof top... I was gracefully (again) getting away from him while I sang how much I wanted to kiss those pyschiatric sweet lips hahahaa..

I landed nice and softly on the ground, removed myself the transparent wire that was lifting me thru the set device they had put on earlier.. and that was it.

I woke up with such heavy breathing, feeling my heart beat in every pore of my body. It's like my brain reset my entire oxygen flow system.. it was a wonderful dream. I was happy. This might be the right prescription.

The "I" tistic

Everything has changed.
again.

Every noise is too loud
Every music, every note is too intense
Every voice is very noticeable, no matter how rare to be heard
Every warm day is unbearable heat
The light is not welcome to eye lids

The "I" tistic me

It happened, I became awkward
Tried to avoid it, got in a relationship
Tried to act more like expected of me
to me,
for me,
forget about me.

I forgot about me a long time ago when I became the carer first.

Now I am glad I let him go, the real true is what we came down to. There is no room for anything else at this point.

Feelings.. today I hate them, my wrting is shit. I don't want to think, speak..take care of grammar or spelling..
This place where I am is anywhere between routine and hopes..

I know I'm not alone in this, but what does that make me? The person who deals with something no one else can..
. there are more "no one elses" out there.

What is it that bother me? I dunno, maybe just need to have a surgey on this hernia, plan a trip to Italy by myself for some days. I don't like to hope.. but, it's nice to have dreams.

A kiss is a dream
we take that for granted and insert it in some sort of randomness
Makes me wonder what I am taking into randomness.
Kiss when you can, and enjoy it. Think for a change.. someone is kissing me.. instead of ..I'm kissing someone else. Maybe you get to feel your flavor.

The W spot. W is for Weak.

Interesting how expectations slowly build themselves in you without even noticing cause you're so busy and focused on other things.

I am so aware of my actions, words.. things I am responsible for.

Just recently, I discussed with a shrink about how much I say things to people and I jump into reactions etc...

That made me think. It was great to discuss all of it because I can see clearly where I am wrong, and where I am not.

I have given tons of free credit to certain people without them even asking.

I am the type of person who goes "oh yes, I love you and will be loyal to you my new friend" and that.. might be one of the dumbest and greatest bullshits of all times.

Having a loving nature cannot be mixed with being made a fool of.
The common ground is to get away with pretty much anything because at some point in time it became very normal and cool to act like a jerk.

More and more people became accepting and included it into humour, the talk about how God doesn't exist all sorts of cool things that people jumped into because of course, many wanna hang out with the cool or normal crowd.

Well... that was never me. I was always a believer, a loving person by nature.. things did go very well and some other things not so much.

I then took full responsibility for it all. Today I know better and put a stop to it.

I was raised to be strong, not bother, help and not be helped. I was raised to be half boy/half girl so to speak..it was what my father knew what to do to protect me from my completely psychotic mother. I get that.

Of course, as offsprings we rebel...we try to be different and leave those roots  behind till one day we look in the mirror and see "oh shit, I really do have a lot of my mother and my father" why the fuck are you so surprised? It's not like you were breastfed by a shewolf :/

For a long time, I sent a wrong message to everyone around me. They thought I was a godless strong amazon of some sort. A clown..whatever something that I just put on to give them a good show. It was never a problem.

After my child was born everything changed. When he became a different person, it changed again. I died physically about 3 times and came back. Emotionally I died many times more and came back.. I can honestly say I must be blood related to some zombie nation breed that started somewhere in Brazil at some point in time.

My goal is not to motivate anyone. My deepest wish is to have people not go through what I have been through without surviving it. I myself have made peace with death. I have seen it, I know how it feels, more than that, I know it's not my choice to get the fuck out of here when I want.

I want to help people as always have. Now I can't, now I my hands are tied. I try my best from distance, but if I stay here long enough, I hope to help more. Helping is healing. My son has taught me something incredibly important these past few months.

He taught me that it is really not Okay for me to let people get away with just anything they say to me. He taught me to recognize that I am entitled to this new pain, and to get as far away as possible from those who don't belong. I don't have to save anyone. It's not my job description as a human being, let alone as his mother. Doors are to be opened and shut!

People can disagree with me, agree.. it does not matter. What has always mattered was what is being done. I am a doer. I do things. I get shit done. And, even though I am being challenged by my humanity and weakeness, I still am going to continue to get things done. Will cry my damn eyes out when some cocky stranger gets smart on my ass..and get over that.. I get over shit that doesn't really matter. What makes me sad is because I take to liking people too fast, and then BAM, they tell me hey Fernanda, don't be silly..we really don't know each other. 

I really am at a very reactive and vulnerable stage, which I hate to be.. but, don't feel bad about. I better own this shit because I have ALWAYS helped others when THEY were just the way I am now.. so.. we're taking turns.. this is mine.

I'll step out of it.. What needs to be understood and clear.. is that one needs to grab one's own hand to step out of anything. You can listen to others, accept smiles, words, etc. But, really.. look at your own damn feet. If your fucking brain don't move them. Nothing will. They say they care. It's fine. It's like a drug.. they believe it. But, if they take a little sip of your daily drug, just watch how they run. Some slower, some real fast. Guess what? That is OK. It's no one's fault. I'm not even mentioning fault. Fuck fault!

There is a reason for this to be called YOUR LIFE... and it's what you take care of.

You.

thoughts from days ago

It's been happening for days now.

I go to bed when my son goes to bed because I need to get some good rest. 

At some point, maybe 2 hours later, I start having these recurring dreams about his hospitalization, how it' going to happen, how he is being taken away from me.

There a special dream where he is in the water, in the ocean being in a therapy session wiht this lady. She has blond hair, very experienced and knows what she is doing with the group of children, all of them wearing safety vests.

She is doing a good job, she has been for many years, my son feels happy to be in the water, the water is transparent, he can see everything. His colorful little suit, his floaters. He is happy to see the fish.. he saw a shark! He was happy about it, the shark was just passing by.

Suddenly, the water becomes  agitaded, so many waves, the group of children get a little restless, but they are used to it because that therapist, the blonde lady, she taught them how to cope with such sudden change in the water while they are in there.

My son is afraid. When he is afraid, his eyes look a little smaller. His mutism sounds like a dark abyss ...you can almost touch his fear. His silent fear.He gets lost in it.

He tries so hard to get out of there, she holds on to him, he pulls her wet hair, he grabs on to her vest, he is rasisng sheer hell in that water that was so placid just moments ago.

I do tell her from distance, "he is afraid, get him out of there". But, she doesn't care to do what I say, she screams while wrestling him, "I am used to this, I know what I am doing"

No, she does not.

She

does

not.

Her methods don't work on him, he is  different. She has never ever met another child with such sensitive response. He was the one born that way, she didn't cross paths with anyone else like him. That is just suddenly clearer than the water itself.

I jump in the water. I swim as fast as I can and see my son in agony. I get to them, she keeps telling me "I know what I'm doing" 

I grab him from her, I swim him back to safety. 

His gaze is lost, his eyes are getting back to normal very slowly.

He is safe

with me.

No one else knows. People want to enforce methods on him, on many children .. it does not work this way.

Please God, help me get to the people who will see him for who he is. He is the method.

Please.. just ´please.

God speed!

Not welcome if don't know me

You're not welcome if you think you know me or have been thru what you thought it was to know me.

My life has changed an great deal and I have become allergic to people from my past.

Of course, not everyone is that madness bowl of mine.

I am just really sick and tired of selfish, self centered people. I have absolutely no interest or room for them in my life or my son's.

I have shown weakeness and vulnerabity and regreted.

I have turned an attentive ear to people, and have been let down.

Like me, many people out there can follow path alone. As long as we are alive, we can follow path, walk and move on.

The dependence of another person is not real in my life. I am used to self and feel safe there.

I do not linger in pain. I have been through serious pain, and I just know how to recognize it.

I have  a strong belief that life is a short period of time when I still have to learn more, but I also know a lot. I have gotten to this point with dignity and strength

I believe in love, will love again.

It's amazing when you blind yourself an lock yourself up in some sort of comfort zone.. that is so personal and one sided.. there is time for me to love and be loved. I will pursue that along with the battle I fight with my child.

This time I will demand more respect and sensitivity. I am really done with some things. Abuse is abuse, be that self inflicted or caused by someone else.

One day you love someone, they believe it or not, you do and did love them. One day. You stop.

Another day, you let go.

One more day, you realise how alive and important you really are.

Life is hard, but it is an opportunity ..not to be wasted.